One in three U.S. teens experience physical, sexual, or emotional abuse by a partner. Because of this, the need to address teen dating violence has never been greater.
Fortunately, prevention and, if needed, intervention by a parent, mentor, or other concerned individual can be life-saving for a teen survivor. To be that support, learning the signs and how to talk to a survivor are important first steps.
Prevention efforts
Building protective factors around the teen can be crucial in lowering their risk of experiencing dating violence. Protective factors are anything that can help build the teen’s confidence, self-esteem, and safety. As a parent or positive mentor for a teen, it’s important to create these opportunities.
To promote a teen’s self-esteem, help them find avenues to excel. Whether it’s art, sports, science, or other hobbies, the more you can do to support the teen in a space where they thrive, the better. You should also work to build trust with the teen, so that they are comfortable coming to you for tough talks. They are more likely to come to you to talk about their relationship, if they know you won’t judge them or blame them.
With that trust, it’s also important not to just be reactionary. While you need to be ready if a teen comes to you to talk about their relationship, it’s equally important to be willing to bring up relationship safety, even before the teen is in a relationship. Teens are exposed to many things that influence their perception of what is involved in a relationship, including what’s in pop culture, what they see their friends doing, and what they witnessed growing up.
Exposure to any negative influences does not mean a teen will be in a violent relationship in the future, but it can raise their risk. Reinforce with the teen that violence in a relationship is never acceptable. Let them know that their emotional well-being matters, and if they ever don’t feel like something is right in their relationship, they should trust their gut. Reinforce what positive conflict resolution can look like, so that the teen has a model they can apply to relationships they form. Also be sure to remind the teen that you are a safe person they can come to if they have any questions.
How to identify teen dating violence
When you think about dating violence, the first thing that may come to mind is physical abuse. One in 10 high school students report being intentionally hit, slapped, or physically hurt in other ways by their partner, according to love is respect, a national anti-teen dating violence advocacy organization.
In addition to physical violence, an abuser can also use technology to control or harass a teen. For example, an abuser may track a teen’s location through an app or force them to share login information that the abuser can then use to track their online activity. Additionally, a teen’s partner constantly texting or calling them may indicate an extreme level of control, which is a part of dating violence.
Emotional abuse is another way an abuser can control teen survivors. Some of the most common tactics teen abusers use include isolation, humiliation, and intimidation. They may spread rumors or lies to isolate their partner from their friends and support systems. Signs a teen may be experiencing dating violence include withdrawal from friends and family, sudden disinterest in things that were previously important to them, or shifts in their personality to adapt to their partner’s interests and preferences.
An abuser can also use sexual abuse to control a teen survivor. Teen abusers may pressure survivors into sex or coerce them into sexting. Because some teen social groups may not fully understand boundaries and consent, they may not be positioned to support a survivor who is facing this pressure from an abuser.
These are the most common forms of teen dating violence, but abuse takes many forms, both visible and invisible from outside of the relationship. Each abuser uses different tactics to establish power and control over a survivor.
Teen dating violence can have both short and long-term effects for survivors, but you can help a teen facing abuse by talking to them and offering help.
How to talk to a someone experiencing teen dating violence
By talking to a teen about dating violence, you can show them that you are there for them and that you are a safe, trustworthy person that they can turn to. Below are a few things to keep in mind when preparing to talk to a teen you suspect is experiencing dating abuse.
- Speak to the teen one-on-one, preferably in-person. A teen’s abuser may be monitoring their texts, calls, emails, or social media accounts. By speaking to the teen in-person, you can lower the risk of their partner finding out that help is being offered to the teen.
- Take their experiences seriously. Teen survivors are often dismissed because of their age or inexperience. Show them you care by actively listening, refraining from interrupting them, and validating their feelings.
- Be nonjudgmental. A teen’s abuser may have told them that no one will believe them if they seek help. The teen may feel embarrassed or worry that they will be blamed for not speaking up sooner. As such, do not minimize their experience or jump to conclusions. Never blame them for the abuse.
- Keep in mind that teens face special circumstances. Teens have less autonomy than adults and may not be able to get distance from an abusive partner as easily as an adult can. For example, the teen may go to the same school as their abuser, which makes it harder for them to avoid that person.
- Be honest about what you see. If you recognize signs of teen dating violence, tell the teen what you have observed. Be specific. For example, if you’ve seen bruises or a change in behavior, let the teen know that you noticed those signs and are concerned about their safety.
- Make it clear that violence has no place in a healthy relationship. Remind the teen that healthy relationships are built on mutual trust and respect. Let them know that the abuse is not their fault and that they are entitled to safety. Tell them that you believe and support them.
- Encourage the teen to connect with resources. Let the teen know that you are there for them, and that they have options if they want help. Offer to help them talk to their parent/guardian about what they’re experiencing. With the parent’s consent, the teen can connect to confidential resources like Hubbard House’s 24/7 Hotline (904-354-3114) or Textline (904-210-3698).
Remember that the goal of the conversation is to start a dialog with the teen and show them that you care about their safety and well-being. Safety looks different for each survivor, and the teen may not feel safe or ready to leave the relationship immediately. Even so, you have had a positive influence on the teen by showing them that they are not alone and there are people who support them.